Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
synchronized noseblowing
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
me, too, girl. me, too.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*