Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
every man in east london
Good morning
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Stop
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.