Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Mornin. * use accordingly
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.