Good day meowlady
* tips cat
You Might Also Like
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
United Steaks of America
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
