Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

i hate you platonically

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps