Good day meowlady
* tips cat
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Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
no their not
I love snow
– People who never shovel
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.