“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
