“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
