“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
