“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
