Good dog. ❤️
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8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
FRED: right
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now