Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I think I’m gonna be sick
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
