Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
