Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.