Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Skip intro
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
