Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway