good for her
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Breaking news:
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…