Good for him.
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Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Mistakes were made
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake