Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.