Good for him.
You Might Also Like
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.