Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
You Might Also Like
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Denise please return my vape pen
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
How to walk around a museum
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Ummm 😳
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon