Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Skip intro
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Harsh but fair
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.