Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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asked my bf how work was today
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
at ease…shoulder.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”