Good for him.
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.