Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.