Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
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Wednesday
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.