Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
PLEASE READ
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Bit chilly again tonight.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Trumpy Cat
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.