Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.