Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

My humor is broken

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.