Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
