Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
The glockness monster
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).