Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
You Might Also Like
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I think this cat is broken
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.