Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”