Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?