Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
as the prophecy foretold
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”