good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
