good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
