good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
as the prophecy foretold
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
