I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
🔦🌙👣
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.