Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

Ladies, why y’all do this?

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

All right then, keep your secrets

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.