Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.