Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Miscakes
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.