Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi