Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!