Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
✨☝️✨
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
(yawn)
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”