Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother