Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.