Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you