Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
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Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I occasionally drink every single night.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Cool shirt 🙂
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.