good let them take over I have had enough
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Teach your children to beatbox
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
rip to my favourite tweet
The opposite of Iceland is water water
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training