good let them take over I have had enough
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)