good let them take over I have had enough
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Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)