Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.