Good lord
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7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
who called it hell and not heaven’t
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?