Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

I’m pretty like a car crash.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security