Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.