Good lord
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
starting a garage orchestra
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.