Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

reduce, reuse, recycle

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

I ain’t wearing no wire