Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome