Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day