Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Does it…does it take 3 days

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

this is the greatest thing ever