Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.