Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
You Might Also Like
Money is the root of all wealth
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart