Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”