Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catering service

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.