Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

#Caturday

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.