Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Ion see the issue
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.