Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
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The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’