When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN