“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.