Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”