Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
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5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…