Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
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Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.