Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
honestly, i need both:
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
